I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
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I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
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Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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