there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
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He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
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next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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