In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
