Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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