I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
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I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
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Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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