When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'm having to shit out rocks
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