I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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