My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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