So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
