He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
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Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
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Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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