Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
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Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
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Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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