My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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