i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
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I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
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Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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