If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
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I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
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I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You don't make any sense
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