We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
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The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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