She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
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Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
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This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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