I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize