The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
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i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
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Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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