You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
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I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
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I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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