i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
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Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
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My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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