it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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