I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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