My underwear smells like fireworks.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
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we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
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