nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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