I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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