Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
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We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
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Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize