I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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