he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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