have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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