i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
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Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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