I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
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Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
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Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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