Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize