Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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