If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
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How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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