Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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