Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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