all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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