I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize