Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
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I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
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I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize