So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
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And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
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You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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