oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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