Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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