I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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