I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
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i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
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Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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