I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize