i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
