How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
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I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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