it wasn't lemon gatorade
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
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HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
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I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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