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I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
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