Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Arkansas (870)

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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?

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  (870): Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk? http://tfl.nu/4pki
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  when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"

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  (870): when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned" http://tfl.nu/0h81
  Replies (4) Good night (1074) Bad night (300)
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  I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.

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  (870): I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office. http://tfl.nu/co4c
  Replies (1) Good night (410) Bad night (602) Order T-Shirt
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  I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.

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  Birthday success

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  (479): I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick. (870): Birthday success http://tfl.nu/9sf8
  Replies (4) Good night (1263) Bad night (432)
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  I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.

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  (870): I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that. http://tfl.nu/0bow
  Replies (21) Good night (590) Bad night (1019) Order T-Shirt
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  There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood

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  (870): There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood http://tfl.nu/fo50
  Replies (17) Good night (378) Bad night (2528) Order T-Shirt
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  He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number

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  (870): He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number http://tfl.nu/tvhj
  Replies (7) Good night (410) Bad night (1777) Order T-Shirt
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  Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.

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  (870): Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic. http://tfl.nu/y3t4
  Replies (9) Good night (1141) Bad night (472) Order T-Shirt
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  Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.

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  (870): Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up. http://tfl.nu/82ti
  Replies (9) Good night (320) Bad night (1206) Order T-Shirt
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  He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n

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  (870): He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n http://tfl.nu/cubl
  Replies (4) Good night (1562) Bad night (494) Order T-Shirt
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  Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious

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  (870): Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious http://tfl.nu/hhr4
  Replies (9) Good night (1953) Bad night (380) Order T-Shirt
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  Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?

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  (870): Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with? http://tfl.nu/z4e7
  Replies (30) Good night (466) Bad night (2291) Order T-Shirt
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  I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.

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  (870): I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team. http://tfl.nu/hbuy
  Replies (6) Good night (1929) Bad night (349) Order T-Shirt
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  I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.

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  (870): I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer. http://tfl.nu/bxkb
  Replies (5) Good night (2118) Bad night (432) Order T-Shirt
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  Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth

  (1-870): View more from Arkansas

  I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come

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  (870): Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth (1-870): I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come http://tfl.nu/shj4
  Replies (5) Good night (1671) Bad night (494)